“You can hate me for being a woman, you can hate me for being smart, you can hate me for being funny, but you hate me because I am doing something you could never do. End of story.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I grew up in a bit of a vacuum. And as a kid, you see ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’ and you’re like, ‘Oh, it’s a cartoon.’ There’s mixed media. It’s funny, and there’s stop-motion. But as an adult, you figure it out, how the entire underpinnings of their comedy was poking fun at the rank and file of the British aristocracy and the monarchy.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“My mother always told me that you should have one room in your house where you celebrate all of your achievements. You shouldn’t have them spread throughout.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I believe in choosing your words very carefully. It’s funny: I’ll get comments like, ‘Oh I love you. You don’t care; you have no filter.’ On the contrary, I absolutely have a filter, because I understand decorum, and my objective is not to upset people.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I don’t think anyone leaves Las Vegas rejuvenated, their skin shining, their bank accounts glowing. No one leaves Vegas, like, ‘I didn’t make one mistake. That felt great. Back to work.’”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I think people have to understand that ’empowering’ for women doesn’t mean negating men.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I think more than anything, as a comedian, I grow tired of the unoriginality of ‘crazy cat lady’ jokes. It’s a hacky joke based on an already-played-out stereotype.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“The world is a scary place. Even my mother has suggested I take a self defense class.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I think that it’s an easy thing to say, that whenever women do stand up, that ‘Oh, they must hate men’ – and I’m like, ‘Well, if you listen carefully, it’s actually a lovely tutorial that I wouldn’t give to men unless I cared.’”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“When you can analyze situations and figure out what’s best for you, based on you and not some preconceived notion of what society expects, then nothing is a threat.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I drink Peet’s Coffee, and they’re a very authentic company. They don’t try to be something that they’re not, and I think that’s reflective in my comedy as well.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“At a certain point, I had so much artwork that I decided to respect the art and present them in a nice way, not just on a dusty shelf.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I believe in having a neat workspace because everything else in my life is so unpredictable, and my mind is so crowded – I wake up with commercials from the ’90s blaring in my head. I try to give myself a fighting chance by having an organized workspace.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’ve had girls that kissed me on the cheek. People get so pumped, and so excited, they don’t see you as a person. Which is fair. Sometimes, I don’t see people as people. But at the end of the day, you can’t put your hands on me unless I hug you first.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I really wanted to do a deep-dive into the idea that women are always called ‘crazy,’ and we are painted with such broad strokes because it’s so easy to stereotype women and write them off. I got tired of that, and I wanted to explain: We are not crazy. There’s a method to our madness.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“You’re never going to please 100 percent of women.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“No matter who you date, people are going to make fun of them, jealous people are going to say stuff, people get creepy – all the things that come with the public eye.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“My family is funny. I think you’re born with the gene.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“When all my girlfriends were watching ‘ER,’ I was watching episodes of ‘Kids in the Hall.’”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“What keeps me going is that this I all there is. I am a comedian, and this is what I do. It’s like telling a fish to stop swimming. It’ll die.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“There’s a way to express femininity and independence and strength without going for hanging fruit.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I prefer social politics to politics.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“When I started my career, I started with black comics: Bruce Bruce, Mark Curry, Bill Bellamy. It takes all kinds of influences.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Getting to prove yourself in a room that’s not your typical demo is an experience every comic should try. It makes you better.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I was always rewarded for being funny. I liked being funny.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“My whole life, I knew that I was going to be funny for a living.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“My comedy is a bit cartoonlike, if I really think about it.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I think part of being Jewish is that innate desire to question things. Rabbis sit around all day and question the Torah. Giving yourself the room to question things, in a religion, just breeds thinking.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“The women who are pool waitresses are another worldly species. They’re half-desert lizards. They never have sunburns.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’ve do a lot of USO shows and do whatever I can to support the military.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Standup is a tough job and a gritty job.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’m always looking for bigger audiences and bigger stages. Really, however I can reach my fans is what will make me happy – well, I’ll actually probably never be happy.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’m going to die unhappy. That’s how artists roll!”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I believe in always having a lot of irons in the fire.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“My hair is just like five pieces of very soft straw that needs managing. I touch my hair a lot, and that makes it crazy.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“It’s always nice to be paid to be in Las Vegas.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Whenever I play Las Vegas, they always give you a suite, and it’s really nice, and it always comes with a large bathtub.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’ve built a career on evenly entertaining men and women. And I’m kind of known for not making either side feel bad.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Getting on stage and screaming at all Republicans does nothing more than isolate people.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“My passion in life isn’t politics. It truly is connecting to people and women.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“You can make people laugh, but having them really want to hear what you have to say, that takes trust and time.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’ve never been a dirty comic.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Everybody has their cross to bear, and everybody has their issues. But it still never once occurred to me that I’m not as good as everyone else. And that’s a gift I wish I could give to every girl.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I don’t know what it’s like to be mocked because of your skin color. I don’t know what it’s like to feel overweight. All I can do as a woman is have compassion, treat other women with kindness, and allow them to just be happy and not judge them for it.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“My only agenda is trying to make you laugh and say something smart.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“As women, and as people, we’re often forced to choose between pop culture and tearing down celebrities or a show about politics.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’ve never been the kind of woman that hates other women, particularly based on their attractiveness.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“It’s only through aging and going through heartbreak and loss and successes and failures that you can look back and look at the mistakes some young people make.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’m not winning any modeling awards, I’m not a Rhodes Scholar, but I genuinely feel that if you’re taking time out of your day and your energy to comment on my art, then I got your attention.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I would tell my 23-year-old self to be friends with more comics.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’ve been entertaining men with my comedy for many, many years, and I don’t plan on stopping.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Most women have jobs that require them to leave the house. A cat is actually a perfect pet. You get the love and companionship of a creature covered in fur, and you don’t have to take it for a walk, and it can feed itself. Less maintenance. Surely any man can appreciate the practicality of this choice.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Women are often scrutinized when they have pets that men wouldn’t have. We are immediately faulted for having the wrong kind of pet rather than anyone first think, ‘Wow, she rescued an animal that would have been otherwise killed and gave them a great home – how sweet!’”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“To be labeled pathetic because you enjoy the company of a loving creature who is always down to hang out, sleep, and eat with you is unfair.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Unfortunately, we don’t live in a society where you can say whatever you want, and there will be no repercussions. Pick and choose your battles. I think that’s the key.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“What I have found that my comedy is doing – and what really drives me – is to sort of bring women together through pointing out why we act so crazy.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“You can’t deny the truth. And that’s what makes smart comedy so good.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I was frustrated in general with the way women are always portrayed. And it’s always through a man’s eyes.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I remember playing a college in Michigan, and they all held up their hand to show me where they live, which made me wonder what weird alien cult I had entered.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“There’s nothing ‘flash in the pan’ about my career. It’s been built fan by fan, city by city.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“There’s no anger in my act towards anyone other than myself… and maybe airlines.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I was a huge ‘Blind Date’ fan, though, when I was younger; that was on when I was in high school.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’m certainly not a supermodel.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“If a guy is just genuine and honest, girls gravitate towards that, and girls love it when you open up.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Being sexually harassed is the worst. Sorry. Let me rephrase that. Being sexually harassed by an ugly guy is the worst… If he’s hot, it’s just plain old flirting.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I really respect my craft and obligation to my audience.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I really respect Samantha Bee.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“A very long time ago, I accepted that travel is just a necessary evil, and unlike many things in my life, I decided going with the flow would make it less painful.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“There should be an F.A.A. fine for those who bring hot food that emits odor onto the plane. You’re deemed selfish, and you have to take some sort of social awareness class.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Always be nice to the front desk staff because they can choose to make your life a living hell, and they’ll remember you.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“When you travel, try having an open mind, not just about the city that you’re in but about the surrounding areas.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I think a big part of feminism – and this is something I’m sure a bunch of women will take my head off for – but a big part of feminism is women allowing other women to just be the kind of women that they are.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I think we’re very quick to rip other women apart when they don’t fit our mold, which, quite frankly, is just as bad as a man tearing you down for something, if not worse.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“It’s never occurred to me – and I don’t know what right mixture of upbringing this was – that my opinion wasn’t as important as the alpha males or that I shouldn’t try or that I wasn’t the funniest one in the room.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I used to take a recorder around and interview my parents and do impressions of my classmates as guests on my show.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I have the comedic chops and intelligence to raise points and discuss both sides of whatever is on our mind as a society.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’m really good at saying what other people are thinking and making it relatable.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’m pale, and people need to accept that I’m almost see-through.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“At the end of the day, all there is is making yourself happy.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“If you think you’re good enough, then you find it preposterous when somebody doesn’t acknowledge that… That’s propelled me in many ways – maybe thinking I deserve things that I don’t at some time. But I’m always willing to put in the work.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“We’re so hard on ourselves, and there’s a freedom in realizing that we’re our toughest critics.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I don’t write anything. It’s all done onstage, which is why I always tell younger comics that they just have to go do it. You have to get up, talk, and take a thought or a word and just expound, and you find it in there. I don’t sit down and write.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I firmly believe in standing by what you are. I was never taught to dim my light to pacify other people.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I want girls to know that whatever you’re feeling, I’m feeling too. All the things that you think make you crazy, it’s OK to feel that way, and I’m gonna tell you why we feel that way.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“There was a sketch group at Emerson, and if you could believe it, we were the cool kids. That’s how Emerson rolls. I was a film major, but I spent most of my time doing that.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Like any other creative person, I would make home videos, and I would make sketches with my friends, and I would make my own movies, so I have some love for the creative process.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“A lot of comedians are really funny onstage, but they can’t do a podcast.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Part of being a comic is being flexible, being versatile.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I’m a huge sketch comedy fan, and I think my love of sketch is reflected in my stand-up in that I do a lot of vignettes and voices and characters.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“The more comprehensive your language is, the more likely people are to believe everything you’re saying. It really just comes from the power of knowing you’re the smartest person in the room, and if you aren’t, you’re definitely going to sound like it.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I had a ‘Monty Python’ CD, and I would listen to it in the car on the way to school. It also refined my British accent. I can do a killer British accent because I’m just imitating ‘Monty Python.’”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Whether it be the gym or telling a guy to stop mistreating me or getting through school with a C+ average but making people think I’m much smarter… it’s all about strength and how you wear it.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I get my strength from wanting to teach other women that everything about you is OK, and you shouldn’t take any crap from anyone.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I love getting insight into what makes actors tick.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I didn’t get an agent until after ‘Last Comic Standing’ – of course, getting on a show like that will get you attention.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I got a job as a coat check girl at a nightclub – this was in my first few months of being in L.A.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“Sounds are something that I always emulate – I’ll walk around, and if a coffee pot goes off or a phone rings, I’ll often mimic the sound. To me, everything’s got a voice.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I don’t want to hear any more women talk about how they want to be… mermaids.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“The amount of garbage that women are expected to put up with – we’re just expected to ignore when a man whistles at us. And it never makes us feel good – it always makes us feel unsafe.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
“I was a big fan of sketch comedy and cartoons growing up.”
― Iliza Shlesinger
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