“I learned how to draw from being bored in school. I would doodle on the margins of my paper.”
― Kevin Nealon
“My heart started running away, like a pack of horses. Then it slowed down and became irregular.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Never wear a red t-shirt to Target. I enjoy helping people, but not every two minutes.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Don’t play dead with a vulture. That’s exactly what they want.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Print is definitely more nutritious. When I leave a website, I’m hungry again an hour later – especially the Chinese websites.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Sometimes people come to my standup show, and they think they’re going to see Doug Wilson. Or they see me on the street, and they call me Doug Wilson.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I lived in Germany from when I was 6 until I was 10, so, of course, I played soccer. When I came back to the States, nobody played soccer, and none of the schools taught German, so I couldn’t continue to excel in those categories.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I grew up watching stand-ups and thought it was so entertaining and unique – you didn’t see that as a job description anywhere.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I have a severe addiction to ‘Angry Birds.’ I always tell myself, ‘One more game…’ But then there’s always another and another and another.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I loved working on ‘Happy Gilmore’ because I love to travel to new places and we got to go to British Columbia. Any Adam Sandler film is fun to work on because it is a reunion of the boys club of guys that have worked together in the past.”
― Kevin Nealon
“If people can’t deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit.”
― Kevin Nealon
“A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Curb Your Enthusiasm, is not so much about Hollywood. It’s more about Larry’s weaknesses.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.”
― Kevin Nealon
“If you want a transcript of tonight’s program, get a pen and write down everything I said.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I think people really appreciate clever commercials, as do I. I think they’re very entertaining. You just have to wade through all the garbage. That’s one of the reasons people watch the Super Bowl. A lot of them watch it to see the commercials and not the actual game.”
― Kevin Nealon
“The funny thing about commercials to me is that many of them now don’t even mention the product until the very end. You don’t really know what the commercial is all about. They’re kind of like little movies, like shorts, and that’s why I think they’re so entertaining.”
― Kevin Nealon
“A whole generation of people that didn’t know me from ‘SNL’ recognize me from ‘Weeds’ now. People recognize me once in a while and appreciate the work. It gets a little embarrassing but it’s good. If you work as an accountant, you don’t have people coming up to you in the streets saying, ‘Hey, great job on tax statements!’”
― Kevin Nealon
“When a show has been on for so long, you lose fans, you gain fans. I remember this from ‘Saturday Night Live.’”
― Kevin Nealon
“I look back at ‘Saturday Night Live’ and I think, some people didn’t like me doing ‘Weekend Update.’ Who cares? A lot of people did. When you’re reaching that many people, you’re not going to have everybody like you.”
― Kevin Nealon
“As a comedian, you’re kind of like a blues musician; you have to live a little bit.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I became a vegetarian after I became aware of factory farming and slaughterhouses and the torture and inhumane handling of all these animals.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I really enjoyed working on the 2009 film, ‘Aliens in the Attic,’ because it was shot in New Zealand and I got to visit there for the first time.”
― Kevin Nealon
“When you discover that you are going to have a child, it stirs up memories of your own childhood.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I was born in St. Louis; I lived there for three weeks and then my father graduated from St. Louis University, so we all got in the car and split. I don’t really remember much. I grew up in Connecticut most of my life and then four years in Germany. My father worked for a helicopter company, so we went over there.”
― Kevin Nealon
“What happened was, I always wanted to be a singer/songwriter kind of guy like a James Taylor or Crosby, Stills and Nash type of thing; I went to a lot of coffee houses and used to watch all those guys, but I never had the nerve to get up and do it because singing seems so personal and intimate to me. It was too revealing.”
― Kevin Nealon
“When I was very young, I didn’t really write my own material. I just memorized other peoples’ jokes. Established comics, like Stanley Myron Handelman and people like that. And then, for every comic, you develop your own style after a while.”
― Kevin Nealon
“It is a great rush to come up with a joke that gets a good response from the audience. It’s gold!”
― Kevin Nealon
“I am whelmed, and not overly whelmed, just whelmed about a lot of facets in life – just how fragile life is and the different challenges you have in life, phobias about things.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I’m probably more of a stand-up comedian than an actor.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I do have a place in my heart for animal shelters because the job they have is impossible – so many animals that need to euthanized because don’t have homes for them.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I have a wandering eye and a lazy eye so they cancel each other out. It’s a push.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I play a lot of sports. I’m not real good at any of them. I’m above adequate.”
― Kevin Nealon
“When I began doing stand-up, it took me a long time to get an hour’s worth of material together.”
― Kevin Nealon
“A special validates you as a stand-up by documenting your material.”
― Kevin Nealon
“When I first began doing TV pilots, my expectations were high. I didn’t understand that world. So when ‘Weeds’ took off, I was so happy. Especially as I was just a guest star in the pilot. But once it got picked up, they made me a regular cast member.”
― Kevin Nealon
“When I would see my friends with their kids, I was envious that you can use children to get out of just about anything. If you don’t feel like going to a dinner party, you could say, ‘My kid’s sick. I can’t make it.’ Who’s gonna argue with you?”
― Kevin Nealon
“I see the love in my child’s eyes when he sees me, and I know it’s gigantic. As an older person, I’ve been in love before, and I’ve loved, but this is really an immense, out-of-control-proportion amount of love that you can’t even describe.”
― Kevin Nealon
“It’s kind of fun when you’re playing characters that aren’t quite on the up and up and people still like you.”
― Kevin Nealon
“As you get older, subconsciously you start thinking about mortality and protecting your offspring. It opens up a whole new avenue of life experiences.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Basically, I’m a people pleaser who has a knack for disappointing.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Standup really is a young man’s game, a single young man’s game. Even when I was younger, when I wasn’t single, it was hard to be on the road because you go through relationships because your girlfriend kinda got tired of you being gone.”
― Kevin Nealon
“You really have to be ambitious and have that drive to really become well known and successful as a standup.”
― Kevin Nealon
“A novel is too much of a commitment. I tend to peruse Twitter – I check to see if I had any mentions and read the latest messages.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I really like to read when I’m eating – ‘The New York Times’ or the ‘Wall Street Journal,’ paper version.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Every homeless puppy and kitten was born to parents who weren’t spayed or neutered. I’m proud to support PETA’s work to prevent animal homelessness.”
― Kevin Nealon
“My adrenaline is definitely going, but it’s mostly my real, laid-back persona carrying over on stage. When I first started, I was nervous, I’d be really high energy, and I’d be sweating. Now it’s just my job. It’s like a machinist who goes to work every day and uses the same drill bits. He’s not worried about taking his finger off.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I think I definitely would have ended up in some kind of show business. I was very interested in music when I was younger. This was back when Crosby, Stills and Nash were around.”
― Kevin Nealon
“With music, you’re laying it all out there. They’re judging you right away, and you can lose them quick. With the comedy, you’ve always got another joke to redeem yourself. Or, even if you’ve only got one joke, at least the punch line is at the end. Then they have to at least pay attention until the end.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I always tell people if you think you are susceptible to a blood clot, go check with your doctor.”
― Kevin Nealon
“To this day, I haven’t felt like I’ve made it. I’m waiting for them to pull the rug out from under me. I kind of feel like George Plimpton; I’m just experiencing this whole business with the really talented people.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Every time I think of Doug Wilson, I think ‘pathetic.’ When it comes between something for himself or something for righteousness, he’ll choose himself.”
― Kevin Nealon
“People recognize me once in a while and appreciate the work. It gets a little embarrassing, but it’s good. If you work as an accountant, you don’t have people coming up to you in the streets saying, ‘Hey, great job on tax statements!’”
― Kevin Nealon
“I feel guilty: when I’m not golfing, I feel like I should be golfing. And when I’m golfing, I feel like I should be home working or spending time with the family. So it’s a real conundrum.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I met Adam Sandler through ‘Saturday Night Live,’ and we became friends.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I’ve done this commercial with Arnold Palmer. He doesn’t play that much anymore, but it’d be fun to have him in the cart.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I’m a member of the Studio City Driving Range. They have a nice little par-3 AstroTurf course and driving range. You know, I don’t belong to a course because I don’t golf that much, so it’s not worth it for me to join a club.”
― Kevin Nealon
“You see things through a different lens when you have a child.”
― Kevin Nealon
“The thing is when I started doing standup, you had to have a clean act because that’s how you got on television. There weren’t all these cable shows. Also, I didn’t want to have that kind of act in case my family came to see me or my kid one day.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I think there’s a part of me that might be my alter ago, like the carefree, do-what-he-wants kind of guy, because I’ve been so restrained most of my life, going to Catholic school and being the good son and the good husband. It’s a fun escape route for me sometimes to lead that life.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I recently purchased an iPad 2 because I didn’t want to wait for the iPad 3 and iPad 4.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Definitely not a TV junkie. I only record shows I want to see but usually never get around to watching them.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I tend to listen to Sirius XM Radio.”
― Kevin Nealon
“Any day that is designated to shower the person you love with love is my favorite holiday.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I am very romantic. In fact, I just renewed my vows… although it was with another woman.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I like YouTube; it’s really entertaining. A lot of it is crappy stuff, but there are a couple diamonds in the rough there.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I’ve been involved in animal issues for quite a while, going back 24 years. I started reading up on factory farming and slaughterhouses and animal cruelty, and it didn’t make sense for me to be part of it.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I just loved stand-up comics as a kid. I’d watch them on ‘The Tonight Show,’ and I thought what a great craft it was to come out on stage with no instrument or anything and be able to entertain people.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I don’t feel the pressure and stress of having to be a comic in a club every night. I accomplished a lot of things; I did lot of things, and I don’t feel like I’m missing out when I am home with my son.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I think having a child makes you calm down. You sit still.”
― Kevin Nealon
“It was football I enjoyed most. When I moved to L.A. to become a stand-up comedian, I thought it might be a good comedy hook to also be the punter for USFL club The L.A. Express, so I started practicing for the tryouts. Luckily, my stand-up took off, and I didn’t need to do it.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I was 5-foot-8 when I graduated high school, but then I shot up to 6-foot-4 and got more into playing basketball.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I used to go to the Hollywood YMCA when I first came here, and I was standing in front of the mirror doing curls, and I noticed this guy next to me also doing curls. He was grimacing a lot, and I noticed he had an underbite. I looked more closely and realized it was Bruce Springsteen.”
― Kevin Nealon
“All I ever wanted to do was stand-up. It kind of charges me and gives me a rush.”
― Kevin Nealon
“I worked for a temp agency called Manpower.”
― Kevin Nealon
“You don’t want to throw out a good idea and have nobody get excited about it. It takes the wind out of your sails.”
― Kevin Nealon
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