“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“Life is just a bowl of pits.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!”
― Rodney Dangerfield
Leave a Reply