“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
― Woody Allen
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
― Woody Allen
“The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.”
― Woody Allen
“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
― Woody Allen
“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
― Woody Allen
“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”
― Woody Allen
“To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”
― Woody Allen
“Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.”
― Woody Allen
“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”
― Woody Allen
“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”
― Woody Allen
“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”
― Woody Allen
“In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”
― Woody Allen
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
― Woody Allen
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”
― Woody Allen
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
― Woody Allen
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”
― Woody Allen
“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”
― Woody Allen
“I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”
― Woody Allen
“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”
― Woody Allen
“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen
“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”
― Woody Allen
“When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.”
― Woody Allen
“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.”
― Woody Allen
“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
― Woody Allen
“In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.”
― Woody Allen
“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”
― Woody Allen
“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
― Woody Allen
“I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
― Woody Allen
“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
― Woody Allen
“My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.”
― Woody Allen
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
― Woody Allen
“Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”
― Woody Allen
“As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
― Woody Allen
“He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.”
― Woody Allen
“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”
― Woody Allen
“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
― Woody Allen
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
― Woody Allen
“Tradition is the illusion of permanance.”
― Woody Allen
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen
“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .”
― Woody Allen
“Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.”
― Woody Allen
“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”
― Woody Allen
“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”
― Woody Allen
“It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.”
― Woody Allen
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
― Woody Allen
“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”
― Woody Allen
“I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”
― Woody Allen
“Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.”
― Woody Allen
“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”
― Woody Allen
“Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.”
― Woody Allen
“If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.”
― Woody Allen
“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”
― Woody Allen
“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”
― Woody Allen
“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
― Woody Allen
“Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.”
― Woody Allen
“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”
― Woody Allen
“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”
― Woody Allen
“I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.”
― Woody Allen
“I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.”
― Woody Allen
“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
― Woody Allen
“I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.”
― Woody Allen
“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”
― Woody Allen
“Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”
― Woody Allen
“Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.”
― Woody Allen
“Marriage is the death of hope.”
― Woody Allen
“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”
― Woody Allen
“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
― Woody Allen
“What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?”
― Woody Allen
“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”
― Woody Allen
“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
― Woody Allen
“Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.”
― Woody Allen
“Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.”
― Woody Allen
“I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen
“If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.”
― Woody Allen
“I am two with nature.”
― Woody Allen
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